“It’s one of my theories that when people give you advice, they’re really talking to themselves in the past.” – Mark Epstein
Note: This letter is in response to a facebook post Molotov wrote and his subsequent suicide attempt, which has been removed from facebook and from this post out of respect for his family and staff at TKM.
We haven’t known each other long, but your post – and the state of current events in America lately – resonated with me, and I had to write this. I hope it finds its way to you and that you read it with an open mind and open heart. You are a brash man, and a fighter. So I am not going to hold back any punches, I’m not going to be easy on you – because frankly, you wouldn’t respect a word I said if I presented it weakly. .
First, let me say that I am praying for you and your family as you recover. As I understand the timeline of events, you slit your wrists and lost a great deal of blood before you were found and taken to the hospital. I rejoice that you were found alive and are in stable condition now. I will continue to pray for your speedy physical recovery. That being said:
You and I first met when we both spoke at the Georgia March for Life this past January. I found you to be a charismatic, passionate, and engaging speaker and I instantly respected you. After the march, you and I and several other volunteers and staff members went to lunch. During the lunch and after more conversation with you, I will be completely honest and say that I did not like you. At all. I found you to be pompous, arrogant, prideful, and an intellectual bully. You made several off-handed remarks about what scripture does and does not say about a multitude of social issues, but the main two that stuck with me were monogamy in marriage and when life begins. You twisted scripture to fit your conclusions and justify your actions. Any dissenting opinion to yours was met with dismissive arrogance – as if anyone daring to disagree with you was simply not intelligent enough to understand the clear logic used to reach your jaded and flawed conclusions. After that lunch, I said to myself “I’d bet money that man is cheating on his wife“. I had you pegged from the word go.
I’m certain that you are not so easily read by others. I can attest that the only reason I could see you so clearly after so little interaction is that I married a man exactly like you, and was with him for 5 years. He was ambitious, wildly successful at a young age, he was very attractive, active in MMA training, and very proud. For awhile, I was proud to be his wife. But things changed over time, as they tend to do. My ex-husband was very unaccustomed to being refused anything, so persuasive and charming as he was. He became a what I’d call a bully. When we would talk about our day, he was disrespectful and rude. If I had an opinion, I was dismissed and treated as ignorant. One time he even said to me “be quiet now, men are talking”. On a daily basis, I was disrespected and not valued. I was used for sex and viewed as a nothing more than a member of his ‘staff’. My duties were to take care of our daughter and his sexual needs. My life became dismal and oppressive. Because I didn’t feel valued, I slowly drew away from him physically. I didn’t feel safe with him so I no longer submitted my body to him. I found out about other women he was seeing and was devastated. Sex was no longer about love, it was about meeting his needs and I was simply the means to accomplish that. I was a warm body, easily replaced by any other woman willing to sleep with him. I didn’t feel loved or valued as his wife, I felt used and discarded. I want you to ask yourself if it’s possible that your wife felt that way?
Because I rescinded my physical affection, he, in turn, took away any and all emotional affection. It became a vicious cycle of me not meeting his needs because he wasn’t meeting mine. I’m sure it’s easy to see what happened next, considering that you have lived through this very thing recently. He sought extramarital affairs to meet his needs. Because, hey, as you said in your facebook post – a man has needs and a wife has no right to deny him, right?
Your wife should have submitted to you, you are absolutely right. That is a biblical command and one that should be followed. Just as I should have continued to submit to my now ex-husband. But let me ask you something: instead of continually repeating to yourself what YOU deserved and how YOU should have been treated, did you ever ask yourself what your wife deserved? Did you ever stop to ask yourself if she felt safe and treasured enough to entrust her heart and body to you? Did you ever make love to your wife with the wild abandon and joy found in the Song of Solomon? Did you ever ask yourself if you were loving her like Christ loved the Church? How many times did you lie beside your wife at night while replaying memories/images in your mind of sex with another woman? How many times did you mentally congratulate yourself for successfully hiding an affair from her, mentally reveling in your intellectual superiority over your wife because she didn’t know about your sexual conquests? Did you ever wonder before sleeping with another woman if you could potentially take home an STD to your wife? Did her health or well-being enter your mind at all, or were your needs the prevailing thought?
You mentioned in your post that your wife became overweight and unattractive after giving birth. My impression is that you, being very prideful about your appearance, felt this as a personal slight against you, and you probably found it a bit embarrassing to be the owner/creator of TKM and have an ‘overweight’ wife. (quotes because I think your definition of that word needs work). You probably felt that if she loved and respected you, she would have put more effort into her appearance to please you. And you’re right. That’s exactly what she did, though, and you failed to see it. A quick scroll through her Facebook page shows that while she did have a little baby weight on after your daughter was born, she quickly lost it and was once again a very thin/fit woman. Though her size or ‘attractiveness’ should have little relevance. “Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting..”
Shame on you, Molotov. Love is so much more than physical appearance. I would encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and ask yourself if you ever once loved your wife that way. Don’t give excuses. Don’t justify. Just answer the question. Take a look inside yourself, and honestly answer: Did you love your wife like Christ loved the church? Did you love her as you loved your own body? Did you protect her, value her, cherish her, and love her? No. You didn’t. By your own admission, you broke the covenant of your marriage, you broke your vow to love her and protect your family. A man has nothing but his word, and you broke yours. Then you spent the entirety of your post justifying your actions, saying that she squandered your money, wouldn’t submit her body to you, had affairs with multiple men, etc. But none of that, even if true, justifies what YOU have done.
Morality is not relative. There is no grey area. Who you are as a man should not be dependent upon the actions of those around you. You acted like a spoiled child who has never been told ‘no’ before. I’m appalled by your ‘logic’, and frankly, I expect better from a man like you. Honestly, I’m reminded of Caitlyn/Bruce Jenner, who has decided he is a woman simply because he has spoken it into being. I’m sorry, that’s not how this works. You are not God. You do not get to speak things into truth. Intelligent though you are, you don’t outsmart God. Proverbs 28:26 “Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.” Your feelings don’t trump God’s words. You’ve talked yourself into circles, seeking the public’s approval for your actions – when it’s God, your wife, and a trusted spiritual leader you should be talking to and seeking approval from.
I’m not placing all of the blame in your marital divide at your feet. Both of you failed, if any of your post is true. Both of you dropped the ball. Both of you should have heeded God’s commandments. Had your wife loved you and submitted to you despite your arrogance or disrespect of her, it may have softened your heart towards her and prompted you to change. Had you continued to love and cherish her even after her slight weight gain and disinterest in sex, it may have softened her heart towards you and prompted her to change. Both of you had a chance to love your spouse like Christ loves us, and you both failed.
You wax poetic about your love for your daughter in your post, and claim that the bible supports your suicide attempt because you are protecting her in doing so. Many things are wrong with that statement; but I’ll start with your biblical claims first. Had your suicide attempt been successful, I want you to honestly think about how Ivy would feel one day, after she read your last words. Do you think she’d feel loved by you? Or do you think she would wonder why she wasn’t enough to make you want to stay with her? Do you think she would struggle with anger towards her mother? Anyone reading your post can clearly see that you are placing all blame at Patricia’s feet for your suicide – do you think Ivy would be spared that? She would grow up without her father – you being a man with many sexual conquests under your belt – surely you know what women without fathers are willing to do to get some male attention. Do you not realize what you would have perpetuated for your daughter? Whom you claim to love enough to kill yourself? Mark 9:42 “But if you cause one of these little ones to sin, it would be better for you to be thrown into the sea…”. Your suicide would do nothing but create multiple stumbling blocks in your daughter’s life. You are smart enough to know this, but I suspect that the enemy’s voice in your ear drowned out any truth.
Think of your daughter – how much you love her – what you dream of for her in her future. What do you see? Is she happily married, perhaps with children? If so, what sort of man do you imagine her being married to? What sort of man do you want her to be married to? Perhaps even sit down and make a list of all of the traits you would expect your daughter to require of her future husband – and then ask yourself if you come anywhere close to being that sort of man to your wife. You’ve asked us to put ourselves in your shoes, now put yourself in someone else’s. If Ivy were grown, and her husband posted what you did on facebook for anyone in the world to read, how would you feel as her father reading it? I would sincerely hope that it would infuriate you that anyone would publicly humiliate your daughter that way. I would hope that you would see it as the prideful rant of a misguided man crying for help, instead of as a list of your daughter’s failings. One woman commented on your status that it was “completely inappropriate post for facebook“; while I disagree with her, because without your public post you would not have been found, I agree that the public airing of your dirty laundry isn’t loving or respectful of you, your wife, or your daughter.
You also state in your post that a man’s sole purpose is to provide, and not only is this not biblical – it is heartbreaking to know that you, and men like you, feel so marginalized that your worth and value is found in how well you can provide. Men are the head of the household, yes, and they are typically the ‘gatherers’ and breadwinners. But this is not your sole purpose as a man. It is foolish to think that you alone are responsible for providing for your family. God is your provider. God is your portion. Philippians 4:19 “And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” Financial success has become a sort of god to you, you have chased it and resented your wife for thwarting it. (I’m not saying a mismanagement of funds wasn’t occurring, I’m not involved in your finances, so I can’t validate or invalidate that claim) Money is such a nothing when you put it into perspective. When you look back on your life, you will never once regret missing a meeting or not working late, but you will regret missing time with your family. Luke 16:13 “No servant can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”
I know I’ve been rather harsh thus far, but I’m not going to apologize. I’ve been exactly where you are, everything I’m saying to you is coming from rants and speeches I have given to myself numerous times. I got divorced 3 years ago, and I attempted suicide 2 years ago. I was found on my living room floor – in a lonely apartment away from my children, and would probably be dead were I not found when I was. Much like you, I strongly believed that removing myself from the situation would be best for my daughters – I believed those lies, and it was the darkest moment of my life. I know what the darkness feels like, I know how it feels to be one thing in public and another in secret, I know how it feels to have things crashing down around you because of your own actions, I know the voices that whisper in your ear, I know well the crippling heartache of missing a child. Everything I’m telling you is what I needed to hear then, and what someone needs to tell you now – and maybe it’s not my place to do it, but I’m doing it anyway. You need to accept your role in the trials in your life – only then can you perpetuate change. If you don’t accept responsibility for your actions, and humble yourself, this exact scenario will only replay again and again in your life. I’m positive I will receive many many negative comments from this, but If it helps you or any other person struggling with depression because of a failing/failed marriage, or bitter custody battle, then I’ve done some good.
Your feelings, your actions, your suicide attempt (and mine) are all symptoms of a much larger problem. Society as a whole – millennials especially – is going down the toilet. It’s why we see so many men signed up for websites like Ashley Madison, so many marriages failing, so many teens and children struggling with adult issues at such a young age. Parents are becoming parents before they’ve matured into adults, myself included. Young adults (40 or so and under) today see morality as a relative idea, something that is dependent on other factors. They think that their happiness and comfort is tantamount and other people can be sacrificed in their quest to obtain it. Instant gratification is not only expected, but demanded. Patience is no longer a virtue, no one waits for good things or works hard for them anymore, they’re handed to us or we pitch a fit like a child. We’ve been taught since birth that this is acceptable – it’s why abortion rates are high, divorce is normalized, and premarital sex is not only accepted but encouraged. I am a public Christian speaker and I know ONE person who saved herself for marriage. ONE! We take no personal responsibility for our actions and constantly find ways to blame others for the trials in our lives. We are told repeatedly to be independent and never ask for help when we are struggling, that surrender is synonymous with weakness. It’s no wonder so many people see suicide as the only way to escape- we’ve had this twisted logic shoved down our throats since birth! We even have legislation and debates about people having a ‘right’ to die! And we call these people brave when they kill themselves because they feel like a burden!
What if you woke up tomorrow and decided to break the cycle? What if you finally set aside your pride and humbled yourself before your creator? Leaning not on your own understanding, but on His will for your life. What if, instead of being so prideful, you viewed your talents and looks as gifts from the Lord with which to further His kingdom, and then applied yourself to that end? What if we all did that? What if we fought society’s claims that nothing is sacred? What if, instead of forsaking our spouse when we feel that we’ve been wronged, we loved them through it instead? What if we looked like 1 Corinthians 13:4-8? What if we abstained from fleshly pleasures and presented ourselves as a pleasing offering to God and our spouse? What if we loved ourselves enough to respect our bodies as temples of the Lord?
“But God demonstrates His love for us in this – that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” Romans 5:8. What if we loved our spouses that way? That even if they grieve us or fail, we love them through it and stay by their side? The enemy is prowling around like a lion, and he’s attacked you and your family mightily. Are you going to let him win? You make your living fighting! Are you really going to lay down and let the enemy steal not only your marriage, but your daughter’s future?
You have been given another chance at life, you’ve been given another chance to be the man God ordained you to be. God spared your life for a reason, He wants you here. He wants you in your daughter’s life. And He wants your marriage to work. It is going to be very, very hard for you – but try to humble yourself. Let go of your pride, let go of your belief that you are in control of anything in this world. Rest in the Lord, trust that He will provide for you. Ask your wife to enter into extensive marriage counseling with you, take your marriage completely apart down to the studs and rebuild it on God’s word. It will take time, but do not let your heart be hardened towards your wife. Once you have recovered physically, start the road to recovering spiritually and mentally. Return to the Lord. Let Him work in your life and in your marriage.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I also would like to take this time to apologize. I am truly sorry I didn’t reach out to you sooner. I recognized a lot in you upon our first meeting that I saw in myself, and I should have offered a helping word instead of staying silent and judging you. I sincerely apologize. I don’t flatter myself and think that anything I could have said would have prompted some great and marvelous change and prevented what happened yesterday, but I could have been kind and I chose not to be. I was not Jesus to you, and I humbly and sincerely apologize for that.
I am praying for you, your wife, your daughter – and the road to recovery.